Clean What Won't Be Seen

My second-eldest brother is having a friend from out-of-state over, and my chore this week happens to be trash+bathroom. So I just finished cleaning the bathroom, as per my mother's wishes. I must admit, the sink and mirror look much nicer; but as I was wiping the floor down and did around the back of the toilet, I questioned the necessity. One would have to purposely look for filth back there to notice any. This reminded me, as many happenings do, of a piece from a book I've read. This one is "The Good Bad Boy," an enjoyable little read that is supposed to be the diary of a boy in the eighth grade. The passage I thought of goes:

"Why do people have to clean the whole house when they expect company? Father Foley will only see the dining room and parlor. Besides, Father Foley is coming to eat, not to look for dirt."

If C3PO Talked Like Dr. Suess...

"I would not be flown here or there, I would not be flown anywhere! I do not like to fly, oh no, I do not like to, Han Solo!"

"Wockets? In our pockets? We're in danger! I must tell the others -- OH NO! I'M IN SOCKS!!"

"They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll be sent to the waiting place and wait for who knows what!"

"We'll have no more of this 'Obi-Wan Kenobi' gibberish! And don't talk to me of your hunch either!"

Squiggly, Green Underlines: I'm not sure what you wrote is what I think you wanted me to read.

Yep, sometimes I just can't ignore MS Word's grammar check. These occurred when I was typing my chemistry term paper some time ago.

"The Real Me"

I recently observed an IM conversation my elder brother was having with one of his friends. They were discussing temperaments and which they were. I had never really taken much interest before then in what temperament I was, and I began to get curious. However, my road has since been becoming rather bumpy, and I've had the tendency to get pretty down about life. I realized that it would be unwise to bother looking into my personality and give it a tag, as I'd likely come out with an incorrect, not to mention undesirable, conclusion. That reminded me of what my brother's friend wrote: her secondary temperament was one thing, but she wished it was another. It only now strikes me that, outside of the temperamental study, I have been making the mistake of viewing myself in that manner: "I wish I was."

The bumps in my road have really been my own unwillingness to accept myself. I've always been a bit insecure about my reputation, but for the most part that was the post-relational doubts on behavior and how I came across. My parents have repeatedly assured me throughout life that my friends probably wonder the same things about themselves and not to worry about it. Then, over the past few months, I became aware of the fact that, in my eyes, I'd been letting my life play it's usual routines without bothering to think about a bigger picture and exercise control over where I wanted to go in the long run. From there I fell into a mess of anxiety and depression and began wishing things were different.

Mind you, nothing had really changed; I was just discontented with how things were, how they had become without my paying attention. My temperament, though I didn't think about it in such a specific way, was not ideal. I wanted to be a different person. Not that I disliked my good points, when I looked at them; but it seemed I'd let myself develop without some awareness or drive that I wanted. I think what triggered these pessimistic realizations was meeting someone who made me look at my future, the rest of my life as an adult, which I suddenly could see was approaching way too fast. I must admit, I'm scared of what the future holds, and I don't know where to go. All I know is I can't hide. And I've questioned my ability to go anywhere as who I am. My struggles and faults have hung in front of my face in a paralyzing fashion.

I think back to my philosophy teacher distinguishing between reputation and character: reputation is what people think of you, while character is who you are. And he commented that his reputation is likely much better than his character. I can hear him saying, "If people knew who I really am, they wouldn't stick around me." I'm sure he was referring, in all seriousness, to whatever private issues he has as a fallen human. But I let that thought go too far in relation to myself. Honestly, who would want to have anything to do with me? I doubt anyone who knows me thinks ill of me: I'm always complimented on my smarts and sense of humor; I have a definite gift for making people laugh. Even my recent hardships have not had much bearing on how I relate to other people. Yet my insecurity when I'm alone has increased. "If they only knew the real me..."

But is that actually a truthful assessment? A spy's secret activities are opposite to the appearance he upholds; one life is a complete fake, a cover-up for his true self. That's not how I am. The very fact that I am distressed is an indication that I know what's right and care about it being that way. To judge my private imperfections as my true character would be as foolish as to mistake a current downswing in my outlook on life for my true temperament. My friends probably know a great deal of the real me.

Unfortunately, I expect too much of myself, staking too much on the idea that I can change; then, when things don't improve, I get down on myself. My dad summed up this problem quite well one time when we were talking: he said, "You want to be a saint now." I do, and yet I haven't had enough faith in myself to get anywhere. The best relief I get tends to be not thinking about anything, escaping the world and myself by wasting the days playing video games, working on piano compositions when I know they're going nowhere, or else doing nothing at all. But life won't stay on hold for me like that. I'm growing up, even though I'd really like to do as Hobbes does when life seems too complicated: take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.

I hope I haven't come off as stewing in self-pity or anything. I've needed to look at myself as I would if I were someone else. I have a rather compassionate and understanding attitude toward others, and provide encouragement where they'll accept it. For some reason, this doesn't hold true for myself, as I'm almost predisposed to blame myself and get depressed. In order to believe in the great possibilities the future holds, I have to run a logical analysis of my situation from an slightly third-person view. I believe things are getting better, but I need to remain optimistic and give my wholehearted trust to God that everything will work out. While it has bothered me that I've seemingly been short-sighted about life, I think it would be best for me right now to not try to look at a much bigger picture.

So I conclude these thoughts. I write them not for your sympathy, but in case you can get something out of them for your own sake in life. May your road's bumps be manageable with God's grace.

MS Word's Thesaurus Is Too Flexible.

Seriously, you know it's bad when you can't find a good synonym so you give the thing a word and wind up entertaining yourself seeing how off-track you can get from your original meaning. Here's tonight's example. It's not the best, but I find it amusing to see that I accidentally almost came full-circle with this one:

weather

erode

wear away

wear out

exhaust

drain

sap

liquid

fluid

solution

explanation

details

information

in turn

one by one

alone

unaided

independently

in competition

in contention

arguing

in conflict

fighting

war

combat

contest

race

event

affair

issue

problem

crisis

disaster

blow

gust

squall

storm

Note: I've stumbled upon a better chain, which I'll post once it reaches an end. Technically, this one could have gone on, but I got tired of navigating the different storms to find a way on. I've since looked at it and found that "gust" gives you a couple of options....